I have rewritten this post three times now, just to get it right. Not just for the people who will read this, but also for my own peace of mind.
So what happened was, things blew up relationshipwise with my now ex, but before I could blink, I met this new man. It’s so very strange because with other relationships, there could be sometimes years between them. But suddenly, now, this man shows in my mind and keeps lingering there. I could feel it during the evenings when lying in bed, thinking about how close he was just one room away.
That’s when I knew this was serious.
He makes me feel like the person I’m supposed to be. Like I can inhale possibilities, and exhale my past. We can be honest and fun and sad and smile. He’s a magician of words and a master of feeling people-seeing through them without becoming a nihilist, which is an art on it’s own. Someone said that emotionally, he’s still a child, but watching his emotional side grow up is the true magic here. Watching him live and learn with that amazingly smart brain of his. And, difficult as it may be to admit it, I miss him when he’s not in the room.
Also, his hugs are the best.
Sure, I am still sad about our breakup. I cried just this morning about it in my psychologist’s office, but that doesn’t mean I’m not content and at peace with the fact that it’s over. And after all this pain, all these nights and mornings in which I cried about the year together, I’m ready to move on and feel the sun on my face again. I’m done feeling sorry for myself. It’s time to start this next adventure. And I’m ready for it. Ready to move on.
This was not as easy as it may seem; through medication switches, continuous heartbreak and my own twisted feelings, everything finally, somehow, seems to follow the right path again. It’s not an easy path, and it’s also probably not the smartest path, but there comes a time when what is practical needs to take a backseat to what feels right.
Or as this mysterie man would say;
“The balance between the rational and emotion.”
And I guess thats the lesson of today.
And I don’t know a lot-especially not now- but I know this feels good, and if I truly still loved the person I shared a year of my life with, I wouldn’t have these feelings. This is what feels right, right now.
Expect more emo poetry soon.